A friend of mine observed after a singles' retreat where a men's panel answered ladies' questions that she still felt that there were some burning questions left unanswered. These she posited to Facebook and I'm going to, with much fear and trepidation, endeavor to answer (half of) them. But first, a few points of clarification:
-There is biblical truth and there is the fallen reality we walk around in every day. To the extent that I can I will try to be as faithful to the biblical truth as it answers the posited questions, while at the same time showing as much sensitivity and regard for the realities we deal with, particularly where the two seemingly come to be at odds with each other.
-I am going to try to be frank, open, and honest about some things. I have tried to edit and phrase things in such a way so that everything is informative, encouraging, and edifying. I can't be 100% certain that I have done this simply because I don't read and process things the same way that women do. As such, please read this with grace and feel free to approach me directly (if you know me) or comment through the blog if something doesn't make sense, reads wrongly, or seems out of place.
-My representation of things should not outright be considered the representation of "the typical guy." This is not to say that I am that different from other guys, but more to recognize that each guy is different and unique and while generalizations do apply, they are not hard and fast rules.
-I have only been in one relationship and it did not end well in my opinion. Again, I do not consider my experiences to be representative, but they stand as the anecdotal evidence that I have readily available at my disposal, for better or for worse.
That said, there is one additional bias that I feel is pertinent to the discussion and shapes my view on the matter. I consider the callings for men to be godly husbands and fathers to be the two highest callings placed upon mankind after the God-man's calling to be our Savior. I do not offer this as way to elevate men, suggest that they are better or greater or have a higher value based on these callings. Absolutely not. I merely come to this conclusion based on consideration of the ordering of the family as God ordained it.
In Ephesians 5:25 Paul commands husbands to love their wives just as Christ has sacrificially loved the church. This begins a weaving of explaining Christ's love for the church with the description of the husband's love for his wife, culminating in the point that the institution of marriage serves as a presentation of the character of the union between Christ and his church. In light of this representation, how a husband loves his wife, whether sacrificially, selfishly, or not at all, either excellently, poorly, or does not at all then in a tangible way demonstrates in our day-to-day context the love that Christ has shown to his church (which lies at the heart of the gospel).
Likewise, the Triune God in his infinite wisdom, in revealing himself to mankind, chose to do so in such a way as to characterize the relationship between two of the three persons of the Trinity as that of a Father to a Son. These in fact are titles used through Scripture and are the ways that we thus traditionally describe these two persons of the Trinity along with the third - the Father and the Son, along with the Holy Spirit. Likewise, we who are believers also regard God as our Father - "Our Father who is in heaven..." God chose for himself this descriptor knowing full well the association we would make with earthly biological fathers. As we conceive what a relationship with a father is like, and thus understand what God means when he chose that we would know him as Father, the first and natural place that we look is to our earthly father and other fathers around us.
In either case it is no small thing to think of husbands as representing the love of Christ to their wives (and their children who are watching) and representing to their children (and a watching wife?) what it might mean that God is our Father. That is why I consider them the highest callings placed upon mankind and would encourage any man to likewise consider them, and for wives and mothers to consider their high calling to complement, encourage, and support their husbands in this, that our Lord may be glorified through it all.
So anyway, where was I? Oh, right, questions. Here we go...
1. Ephesians 5:22-24 and other scriptures ask women to submit to their husbands. What do men assume that to mean for women? Also, do you understand the fear attached for women to be obedient to that scripture?
There are two questions here (which I will identify as 1 and 2), each with two answers (which I will identify as "a" and "b").
1a. I am not personally aware, either from empirical or anecdotal evidence, of exactly what men think this should mean, nor have I considered it in great detail (for) myself (being not married I lack a specific context to which I can apply this biblical principle). I will venture to guess that some may see it to contain elements of obedience, though I don't think the man who cares about his wife wants it simply to be seen in light of that, as it perhaps carries too much of a sense of what a servant does than what a partner/best friend does (I'll touch on a better way of viewing it in part "b"). I think a big element of it could probably be spelled R-E-S-P-E-C-T. A wife's idea of submission will not likely be received/perceived as such if the husband feels like she is interacting with him in a way that comes across as disrespectful. While it is probably more than can be contained here to spell out what respect looks like to a man, I would commend this book to ladies who want a little insight into that.
1b. From Ephesians 5:24 the word "submit" comes from the Greek word ὑποτάσσω (hypotasso, hoop-ah-tahs-oh), which in a literal sense could mean "to order under." What is behind all of this is a matter of authority and headship - God has designated that in the marital relationship, since a two-headed creature is a monster, the one head of the "one flesh" will be the husband, and the wife is to willingly submit to, order herself under, his appointed authority. This, Paul says, applies to "all things" where in the Greek the word we translate "all" means...all (I, and I think Paul, would allow for an exception for the matter of willful, intentional sin, as the wife's highest authority still remains Christ). This should be seen, as verse 22 points out, as an element of how a wife submits to the Lord. Or to put it negatively, the woman who does not submit to her husband is not submitting to the Lord. Paul says that women should submit to their husbands "as to the Lord."This does not mean "in exactly the same way," but rather "as" refers more to the character of the submission than the content - the "how" rather than the "what." How does/should a woman submit to the Lord? Should she follow him, even when she is unsure of where the Lord is ultimately leading? Should she defer to him out of regard for his authority? Should she trust him? (Admittedly I'm a little reluctant to include this last one, as the tendency would be perhaps to take this beyond the context for which I intend. I do not mean trust, as in "do I believe what he says is true?" but rather in the sense of confidence in the context of authority. Yes, the two are related, but there are still elements of distinction) The answer to each should be "Yes." In the same character or manner as a woman would submit to the Lord so also should she submit to her husband. Please note, also, that this is not a conditional statement. The wife's submission to her husband is not conditioned upon anything on his part (nor is his love for her conditioned on anything from her; it goes both ways).
2a. In short, no. I will admit that I had not really considered the prospect of fear entering the equation, though it being thus presented I can understand its presence.
2b. I would turn the question around at the same time and ask ladies - do you understand the fear and trepidation that a man can experience under the full weight of the realization of his responsibility as the head in his marriage? Consider this, when the time comes to give an account to God of what we have done in the flesh (2Cor 5:10; cf. Rom 2:6), I, assuming that God will one day bless me with a wife and children, will have to stand before God and give an account not only for myself, but I will also have to give an account for how I led as a husband to my wife and father to my children. To me that is a fearsome thing. My wife will have to give a similar account, but for how she led our children and how she submitted to me. She will not be accountable in the same sense that I will be for the things we undertook together as I led and she submitted to my authority and followed.
But enough about me on this sub-question. Ladies, do you trust God? Do you believe that he knows that he has given this command to submit, that it calls for you to relinquish control, and that this is a scary thing for you, and potentially for your pride as well? God will not be surprised when you submit to your husband and something doesn't work out as well as both of you would have hoped. To trust God and follow him in obedience is always going to be something of a scary thing, and that goes for both women and men. I would challenge you to consider that especially at times when you are fearful of the outcome and what your submission to your husband could entail that you are honoring God by trusting him to the point that you will obey him despite your fears.
2. Are there any difference [sic] (if there are any differences) are there [sic] between a woman who has had a positive/negative relationship with her earthly father? What are they?
Yes. Consider the importance of a woman's relationship to her earthly father. For most women he is the first man in her life that she knows and is around, the one who displays how a man (rightly or wrongly) relates to a woman as he relates to her mother, who either affirms and encourages her or ignores and/or discourages her, and who overall fills the role of displaying to a woman in a tangible way how she might think of God as Father. Think about the woman who's father never affirmed her beauty or pointed her to the beauty found in Christ and who now seeks to find that affirmation in other places or other men. The woman who was never affirmed by her father and lives with a degree of insecurity that she simply cannot seem to shake. The woman who endured physical, verbal, or emotional abuse from her father and now has difficulty maintaining any sort of healthy relationship of any kind with other men. Yes, the impact on a woman that her relationship with her earthly father has is tremendous, and probably beyond the scope of what I am able/qualified to address.
Conversely, I will also offer that where a father has lovingly cared for and affirmed his daughter, seeking to be a godly example of what a man should be, how he should love (as he relates to both his daughter and her mother), and has taught her to first seek her identity in her relationship to Christ, he has set her up for a smoother hand-off from her daddy to a similarly godly husband. No earthly father is perfect, nor is any husband, but a father who seeks to set a godly example and who raises his daughter to love God will have set her up for a smoother transition from one house-hold to another.
Now, the last thing I want to do though is give a woman inclination to despair because she feels that she has not had a great relationship with her earthly father. On some level there is no woman who has had a perfect relationship with her father (nor a man with his mother). We are all broken with sin. That said, the sin we have to deal with, of any kind, can be taken to the cross of Jesus and there we find grace, forgiveness, redemption, and restoration to wholeness through God's work in us by his Holy Spirit. It isn't easy, but it is important. For the woman who has had issues with her father (or any issues with sin!) now is the time to deal with them, not when "Mr. Right" comes along. Adding another person who has their own sin to deal with to the equation will not make anything easier. (Likewise men, do not immediately write off a woman because she has had a difficult past. Where God has worked in those tough circumstances things often come out all the more beautiful and strengthened...)
3. Is flirting ungodly?
By "flirting" I am assuming that what is meant is the playful banter back and forth between men and women in a somewhat loose social convention where they are in a subtle way perhaps showing a little bit of their hand/displaying a burgeoning interest in the other and are at the same time trying to carefully feel out whether the other feels the same. I would ask - are there any intentions to mislead, lead on, or otherwise deceive the other person about one's genuine or felt interest? Is this more for one's personal gratification or enjoyment, or for the satisfaction of feeling like, as the other perhaps is responding in kind, there is a degree of affirmation or interest, while not harboring a similar attitude of interest toward the other? Is there any hint of a desire to simply be coy or to tease? In these cases there would seem to be more of a sense of using the situation and the other person for one's own gratification. As we are called to love one another we do that by serving other people, not using them. As I do not think that I am well versed on the social custom of flirting or familiar, either personally or observationally, with its use, that is about as much as I am willing to say on the matter.
4. Do men understand that lust is not a gendered sin?
Yes. However I think that this kind of falls into the category of things that we would rather not think about in general and if we are seeking to wholly honor God with our minds. As it is a topic that in a lot of ways we are not capable or qualified to address, I suspect the tendency is to acknowledge that yes, lust is something that impacts women as well as men, but beyond that we leave it alone. Unfortunately we have enough issues of our own to address with this topic...
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